The Gift of Littleness: Confessions of a Postulant
One month ago, I entered the Sisters of Saint Francis of Perpetual Adoration as a postulant. It has been a time of such joy, and every day is new. I have been challenged and surprised, but most of all, I have been overwhelmed with my sense of littleness.
Before entering the convent, I enjoyed being the one in charge, the mother, the mentor, the big sister. Here, I am the smallest of the small. I am the youngest postulant and the youngest in convent age. Every day, I am reminded how much I have to learn. Yet, in this, I feel so loved. My Sisters are so kind and patient. When they notice my confusion, they calmly explain. When I do something different from “the convent way,” I am not reprimanded but sweetly reminded. The other morning, I accidentally left my Mass guide in the back of chapel, and before I even realized my mistake, Sr. Marie Thérèse returned it to my pew. It is extremely humbling to need so much help, but because I am new and little, the Sisters are generous with their loving help.
So too in my spiritual life. The Lord stoops down in His goodness, to lift up the little souls. When I am distracted in prayer, He gently guides me back. When I mess up Morning Prayer, He sends Sr. Evangeline to point me to the right page. When my mind is blank for words to pray, He puts a song in my heart. In my littleness, there is a great capacity for wonder and awe in the reality of God’s magnanimity. I am small, yet I am beloved. I am a poor sinner, yet He died for me. Jesus loves me so dearly and tenderly in my littleness, and I am daily striving to grow in my need for Him. It is my natural instinct to resist and insist on my own strength, my independence, my knowledge. The Lord, in His wisdom, knows that only in Him do I have courage, freedom, and understanding.
I am grateful for the care of my Sisters and for the everlasting, incomprehensible love of my Father. As I continue on my journey of religious life, I will hopefully become accustomed to “the convent way,” but I pray that I will always be little. May I grow in my childlike spirit to more deeply love and be loved by the Lord, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
By Miss Emily